tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
