Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
