I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
