hotel room ftw
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
