Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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