Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
