so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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