Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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