o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Damn victory sex feels great
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
