After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
They took my balls.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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