Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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