Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
