were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
