So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
