I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
