On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
