Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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