what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
