a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
