i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
