I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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