apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Rumble strips road head = magical
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
