I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
