I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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