I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
