I wannas sexs uuuuu
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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