Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
