Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
