My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
