hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
