he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
