i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
