Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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