Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
