And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
