we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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