I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
