i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
