honey bunches of taint.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
