I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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