In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
