I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
