Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Come on in and take your pants off
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