My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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