turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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