I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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