The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
