The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I got inside last night via doggy door
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
