Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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