And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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