it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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